This past Saturday evening saw the 100th White House Correspondents’ Dinner, the annual event at which politicians and the news media, the two groups directly responsible for the mess America is in, drink white wine, eat rubbery chicken, and relentlessly mock each other.
This year’s event was hosted by actor Joel McHale, star of NBC’s Community and E!’s The Soup; it also featured a film segment with Seinfeld and Veep star Julia Louis-Dreyfus mugging with Joe Biden, Nancy Pelosi, and John Boehner.
When it came to the jokes, conservatives took the most hits, of course. Fortunately, it’s conservatives that still have a sense of humor. Here are the top 27 jokes from the 2014 White House Correspondents’ Dinner:
“You know what the difference is between a tattoo and the Koch brothers? They’re both painful, but you can get rid of a tattoo.” — Nancy Pelosi
“Yes, we can all look directly into the camera, Kevin. The point is, you’re not supposed to.” — Julia Louis-Dreyfus, mocking Kevin Spacey on House of Cards.
“At one point things got so bad, the 47 percent called Mitt Romney to apologize.” — Barack Obama on his 2013 performance.
“On the plus side, they did turn the launch of healthcare.gov into one of the year’s biggest movies.” — Barack Obama, referencing Frozen.
“MSNBC is here. They’re a little overwhelmed. They’ve never seen an audience this big before.” — Barack Obama
“An American won the Boston Marathon for first time in 30 years. Which was inspiring and only fair, since a Kenyan has been president for the last six.” — Barack Obama
“Michelle and I watched the Olympics — we cannot believe what these folks do — death-defying feats — haven’t seen somebody pull a ‘180’ that fast since Rand Paul disinvited that Nevada rancher from this dinner.” — Barack Obama
“And speaking of conservative heroes, the Koch brothers bought a table here tonight. But as usual, they used a shadowy right-wing organization as a front. Hello, FOX News.” — Barack Obama
“Let’s face it, FOX, you’ll miss me when I’m gone. It will be harder to convince the American people that Hillary was born in Kenya.” — Barack Obama
“Folks are saying that with my sagging poll numbers, my fellow Democrats don’t really want me campaigning with them. And I don’t think that’s true — although I did notice the other day that Sasha needed a speaker at career day, and she invited Bill Clinton.” — Barack Obama
“These days, the House Republicans actually give John Boehner a harder time than they give me, which means orange really is the new black.” — Barack Obama, referencing Orange is the New Black.
“Gridlock has gotten so bad in this town you have to wonder: What did we do to piss off Chris Christie so bad?” — Barack Obama
“My favorite bit of yours was when you said you would close the detention facility at Guantanamo Bay. That was a classic. That was hilarious, hilarious.” — Joel McHale to Obama.
“E! is also home to the Kardashians, who believe it or not, are Republicans. And I know that because they are always trying to screw black people.” — Joel McHale
“It is a genuine thrill to be here in Washington, DC, the city that started the whole crack-smoking mayor craze.” — Joel McHale
“The Tea Party is anti-socialism and anti-immigration, so it makes sense that their hero is a Cuban from Canada.” — Joel McHale on Ted Cruz
“It’s crazy to think that Joe Biden is only one heartbeat away from no one taking him seriously as president.” — Joel McHale
“As our first female president, we could pay her 30% less.” — Joel McHale on Hillary Clinton
“As it stands right now, the Republican presidential nominee will either be Jeb Bush, Rand Paul, or a bag of flour with Ronald Reagan’s face drawn on it.” — Joel McHale
“Your approval rating has slipped and even worse — you’ve only got two stars on Yelp.” — Joel McHale to Obama
“Mitch McConnell said his number one priority was to get the president out of office. So Mitch, congrats on being just two years away from realizing your goal. You did it! Kind of.” — Joel McHale
“Every year the White House doctor checks the president’s colon for polyps and George Clooney’ s head.” — Joel McHale
“The director of National Intelligence, James Clapper, is here. Finally, I can put a face to the mysterious voice clearing its throat on the other end of the phone.” — Joel McHale
“Bill O’Reilly, Megyn Kelly, and Sean Hannity are the Mount Rushmore of keeping old people angry.” — Joel McHale
“The relationship between Washington and Hollywood has been a long and fruitful one. You give us tax credits for film and television production; and in return, we bring much-needed jobs to hard-working American cities, like Vancouver, Toronto.” — Joel McHale
“Legendary actor Robert De Niro is here tonight, everyone. Now, I don’t do a De Niro impression, but I do an impression of Robert De Niro’s agent. Ready? Here it is. “Ring ring — he’ll do it!'” — Joel McHale
“Biz Stone, the founder of Twitter, is here. So if any of you congressmen want to cut out the middleman, just show him your penis.” — Joel McHale