Just this past Monday, we reported that the mainstream media were in a tizzy over the "Democratic" "People's" "Republic" of Korea's supposed fury about an upcoming American comedy film depicting the assassination of boy dictator Kim "Fatty the Third" Jong-un. Unfortunately, the criticism of the film came from a random guy in Japan, and not from the illegitimate and psychotic Northern regime. But we promised that if Kim's apparatchiks did actually comment on the situation, we would let you know.
Well they did — and the regime's response contains all the propriety, tact, and sanity we've come to expect from the DPRK.
“We can never forgive their explicit terrorist, provocative deed of producing a film whereby they publicly mirrored the aspiration to assassinate our highest political leader in order to decimate the key philosophy of our military and people and to get rid of our system…. The international community cannot disguise disturbance after watching the movie trailer that portrays Americans, the best example of terrorists, mocking and assassinating our Highest Dignity (Kim Jong Un) in broad daylight of the United States."
The statement characterized the film's producers as "gangster-like scoundrels." That takes some real bul-al, coming from the government that kidnaps foreign film directors and forces them to shoot terrible daikaiju movies.
The regime also had harsh and vaguely threatening words for the American government, apparently believing that our democratically-elected representatives have some sort of say over what films our movie studios release. “If the US Government condones the screening of the film, they will have their consequences. Those criminals who mocked our leader and committed hostile crimes against our People’s Republic will be punished according to the law — wherever they hide on this globe."
As of this writing, Seth Rogen and James Franco have not gone into hiding, and Barack Obama is still attending public events. It's almost like they're not concerned!
Rogen has, however, been responding to the kerfuffle on Twitter:
People don't usually wanna kill me for one of my movies until after they've paid 12 bucks for it. Hiyooooo!!!
— Seth Rogen (@Sethrogen) June 25, 2014
The regime spokesthug added, "Making and releasing a movie on a plot to hurt our top-level leadership is the most blatant act of terrorism and war, and will absolutely not be tolerated." The following terms were also used: "reckless US provocative insanity," "gangster filmmaker," and "merciless countermeasures."
While Kim Jong-un launching a successful attack on the US is about as likely as Kim Jong-un using his three dragons to free Westeros from the usurper Baratheon dynasty, the BBC reminds us that the DPRK currently holds three Americans in custody on bogus charges, and Li'l Kim could order some kind of retribution against the prisoners.