THIRD TIME IS MITT’S CHARM?: There are rumblings that the GOP may once again cast its lonely eyes toward Mitt Romney as the 2016 Republican nominee for President. People are recalling that Mitt was right on his criticisms of Obamacare and our handling of Russia, and think he’s had enough campaigning experience to avoid the gaffes that marked his first two tours of duty. Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, and Rick Perry are now considered to be in the second tier of hopefuls.
BEST NOT TO MESS WITH US: That’s the blunt message of Vladimir Putin to the world, as Russian military continues to back rebel forces in eastern Ukraine in an effort to solidify that territory as part of the Russian empire. It seems the only question now is how much territory will be ceded before there’s a general agreement to cease fire. What about that Malaysian Airlines plane that was shot down, allegedly by these same rebels? That’s apparently been tossed down the memory hole until conveniently needed to gin up support for a war.
SUGE SHOT: Trouble found Suge Knight once again last week, as the rap mogul was shot inside an MTV Awards after-party hosted by Chris Brown. Police haven’t located the shooter. But they were quick to note that Miley Cyrus’s date for the awards, a homeless young man who accepted her best music video award, has outstanding warrants. Somewhere, Tupac is laughing.
THIS WEEK’S ENEMY IN THE MIDDLE EAST: President Obama admitted last week that “we don't have a strategy” to combat the growing influence of ISIS, ISIL, IS or whatever the Islamic rebels are calling themselves at this moment. But we are starting reconnaissance flights over Syria, which leads that country (which allegedly “crossed a red line” set by the US just a few months ago by gassing its citizens) to be in line for American assistance in combating ISIS. Meanwhile, a US citizen with the unlikely name of Douglas McAuthur McCain died fighting for the Islamist group, prompting an inquiry into how we’ll deal with the returning ISIS soldiers of fortune to our soil. Perhaps beheading members of their families and posting the results to YouTube would be an appropriate welcome home.
THE BROWN SOUND: The FBI is investigating an online recording by a man in Ferguson, Missouri that may contain crucial evidence in the Michael Brown incident. The man, who lives near the spot where Brown was gunned down, said he was chatting online when a series of shots were fired and captured on the chat recording. After a pause, more shots were fired. The recording has been verified by the online company as taking place during the time Brown was shot. It’s possible evidence as to what happened on August 9 between Brown and Officer Darren Wilson, a matter which is still under investigation.
HAVE IT YOUR WAY: Burger King purchased Canadian donut chain Tim Hortons and announced that its new headquarters will be based at the Hortons corporate office in Canada. Conveniently, that nation just lowered its corporate tax rate. Burger King denies that moving its headquarters to the Great White North is a tax dodge. It also denies that fried burgers are better than flame-broiled ones.
CNN: THE CAN’T NEED NETWORK: Turner Broadcasting, CNN’s parent company, will host a voluntary buyout for 6% of US based employees who are over 55 and have been with the company more than 10 years. Removing institutional memory from the organization is seen as a way to increase profitability. Certainly it won’t increase accuracy.
EBOLA NEWS OF THE WEEK: More than 1,500 deaths are now attributed to the West African Ebola outbreak, and some are calculating that upwards of 20,000 deaths may happen without some sort of world health intervention. It’s the same message that keeps getting passed along each week by various players, and probably won’t be heeded until several infected people land in Paris, London or the US pass along the disease to hundreds of others.
SHAW ‘NUFF, HE LIED: USC cornerback Josh Shaw claimed last week that he injured himself jumping off a balcony to save his nephew from drowning in a nearby pool. After calls poured in to the USC offices disputing that account, further investigation revealed it to be a lie, which Shaw has since confirmed. Shaw was suspended from team activities, which will allow time for his two high ankle sprains to heal and USC spin doctors to prepare answers to the barrage of questions he’ll face if he resumes playing. Shaw now has a high-powered lawyer, an interesting acquisition on a college student's budget.
NOT A CAT: The creators of the Hello Kitty phenomenon claimed last week that their character is actually a little girl, not a cat. Millions of children and adults were thrown by the trans-human switcheroo, which liberals claim is perfectly natural. Steps are being taken to accommodate Hello Kitty during the transition.